The first time anyone ever asked for my thought process on a problem was in my Algorithms class, and I was honestly taken aback. It had never happened before. That one question forced me to stop “floating” and actually map out my logic to connect the dots and explain it clearly. But what I remember most isn’t the surprise; it’s the admiration I felt for the person who asked. It showed that their intellectual curiosity was bigger than their ego. They were comfortable enough to admit their approach might not correct or optimal, and truly wanted to hear how others got there.

My own fear of failure, however, often paralyzes me. Instead of asking questions when I’m wrong, I feel defeated and retreat, unwilling to admit my idea failed. During my time at Fulbright, I avoided competitive teams like the ICPC and Math Olympiad for this exact reason: the fear of being left behind on a problem. My perspective had narrowed to protecting my ego and avoiding failure, causing me to lose sight of the most important thing: the learning itself.

So, does this behavior contradict my philosophy of testing? On the surface, yes. I have always seen tests as tools for discovery: they show me what I truly grasp, what I mistakenly thought I’d mastered, and where my blind spots are. They teach me to apply knowledge to problems with implicitly shared patterns. Yet, the conflict isn’t in the belief itself, but in its application. Having a realization is not the same as embodying it under pressure. When fear takes over, it clouds my judgment, and I can no longer recall the principles I need to practice.

I am taking baby steps to change my behavior. Thriving in mediocrity, giving myself the permission to be a work-in-progress, accepting my current not-yet-knowing state without shame, finding value in the messy intermediate stages of learning. Each small question I ask and each minor problem I stumble through will gradually no longer feel like a potential humiliation, I guess.

Alt text I am writing this while enjoying a slice of banana bread made by my roommate Ava.